Inhibited

I'm having a hard time deciding what to do about my blog. I love Lilymania. It has been such a great thing for me - an outlet, a connection, a quiet space, a catalyst for other writing, a conversation, a repository for motherhood moments, etc. The problem is that soon - and by soon I mean next year (bleck) - I'm going to be on trial. I feel like I already am on trial. The custody battle is simultaneously too immediate and excruciatingly slow. I love that my blog is "public" even though it is anonymous. I have met wonderful people I could never have hoped to meet if I'd kept my blog limited to readers I already knew! I have enjoyed the safety and authenticity that blogging in the open under a fun name affords me. I think, however, that both safety and anonymity will fly out the window as the legal crap accumulates. Maybe not - but the possibility is truthfully more likely a probability. It's like discovering that your creepy ex has the power to go back in time to eavesdrop on the frank conversation you had with some friends on a terrace at your favorite restaurant. Yes, you knew at the time that you were in "public" but you also were reasonably sure he wasn't anywhere around and you weren't pitching your voice to carry. NOT that I have anything to "hide" but the idea of him and his ridiculous lawyer crawling through my daily joys and worries with the express purpose of finding something to use against me to take my children away is disturbing. I have done nothing illegal or wrong or harmful to my children ever. I'm not a perfect person (by ANY stretch) but I am a damn good mom. I know I am. But it's like shaking when a cop is following you closely when you know you weren't speeding, your registration is up to date, and all your tail lights work. You just want the fucker to go away and bother someone else. The whole time you're thinking "What have I done? Why is he following me?! Back off pig." And every story of innocent people caught up in bullshit situations cascades into your brain.

It makes me rage - at him (for being such an invasive jerk) and at myself (for doubting myself). It makes it much harder to write anything, much less to write something meaningful. I'm trying to get past it. I think I want to write anyway. It is who I am. Writing is how I process and stay connected to people and information. I just want him out of my process! That's why we got divorced! In real life, if I knew he was lurking around, I'd tell him to buzz off (and if he wouldn't stop I could probably get some injunction or other to make him). But as far as I can tell there is no Blogland equivalent. Lurking to cause harm and misery is accepted by the courts and encouraged by attorneys. Niiiiice system we've got, eh?

So that's where I am. We'll see where I go. Peace, my friends. ( <--By "friends" I mean everyone on the planet except Mr. Tapioca Head and his attorney Mr. C. Ridiculous Bumpkin. Those two can go soak their heads in toilets as far as I'm concerned.)