Tapioca: I'm sorry but I have to talk about it this morning. And by "talk", I actually mean "bitch", "rant", "vent", and possibly "rage".
Thing the First: Our negotiation over visitation has stalled. The last email I got from him two days ago was (once again) laden with whining and accusations. He said, "I did not create this situation, and yet I'm the one that has to suffer." Well, he did create "this" situation. This situation is a wrangling over visitation which we would not be having had he moved like he said he was going to. Of course it was his choice to move or not, to keep his word or break it as he sees fit - but if he chooses not to do what he said he would, then he can't very well say he bears no responsibility for the situation. Do you like how he is the one to suffer? First of all from my point of view - who the fuck cares? You would think that he would understand how little I want to hear about his suffering. He should talk to his therapist about that, not me. (But I refrained from saying that in my reply! I just ignored his statement completely. Someone get me a sticker!!) Second of all - I should point out that the kids aren't suffering and they are the ones we're supposedly negotiating for. They see him, they talk to him, they love him; they love me, they are doing well in school, making friends, and adjusting just fine. They do love him - but he is not "their life" and for that matter, I am not "their life" either. I think that's a good and healthy thing. I adore them; I will do everything in my power to insure their well being in mind, spirit, and body. They are a vastly important, endlessly joyful and challenging part of my life. But they are not my whole, entire life. Mr. Tapioca Head repeatedly says melodramatic crap about how he's a father 24/7/365, how he doesn't go ten minutes without thinking about them, how he doesn't want to give up any of his precious time with them, about how they are his whole life. THIS from a man who historically on "his" weekends pawned the kids off to just about anybody and everybody: his second wife (when he was married), his friends, my mother, my sister, my aunt. Not that I'm complaining about the extra time my mother has gotten because she's loved every minute of it. I'm just calling his bullshit. He has never been involved in their school activities (even when we lived in the same area and he worked in town); he's never kept track of their friends or extracurricular activities; and even this week he says on the one hand he's unwilling to give up a single iota of "his" time while at the same time counter offering in our negotiations for five days less at Christmas!! I don't get it. I sent him back the nicest email I could. I did not tell him what a pathetic, whiny puke he sounded like. I did not wrangle about who started it. I did have to point out that the money situation is of his making (with his late child support payments and unexpected change/veritable lack of health insurance) which means that I can't help pay for plane fares until after he's paid me. I did point out that I was being as reasonable as I could facilitating his visitation by offering to give up my holiday and by offering to pay a portion of the cost. I also asked him to stay solution-oriented and focused on the children. My bad. I haven't heard from him since. It's nice because it means I haven't had to deal with him in two days but it also means that 1) holidays and weekends are still undecided which is stressful for the kids and 2) he has probably decided to put his energy into bringing me to "trial" (which is how he always refers to it.) Bleck.
But wait, there's more!
Thing the Second: Sunday before last Havoc left his hoodie jacket at dad's. Havoc only has one and with the weather cool in the mornings and evenings - he wears it almost every day (when he has it, of course). Mr. Tapioca said he understood and offered to send it right away. TEN days later it gets here. What, did he send it by row boat? I do understand having issues with mailing things (believe me I do!) - but if it's going to be a problem to mail it, then don't offer to do it! Havoc waited for the mailman every single day for a week and finally gave up. At this point, Mr. Tapioca could have brought it with him tomorrow when he picks up the boys for his weekend. Sheesh. In addition to the hoodie, Mr. Tapioca sent Halloween cards from his parents (who are fabulous grandparents and stay very connected to the kids) and a t-shirt he bought Havoc. The t-shirt (for my EIGHT-YEAR OLD) says: I (heart) CHICKS WHO HUG TREES and shave their armpits. I kid you not! WTF?? I think it is ridiculous and inappropriate on so many levels. I don't know why I am the least bit shocked after the last time, but I am. What is he waiting for, Havoc's 9th birthday to buy the t-shirt St. Ann and I saw in New Orleans that says, "Fuck You You Fuckin' Fuck!"? (I can hear St. Ann saying back to me in an Indian accent I can't duplicate on the computer, "No, no. Nothing so offensive in this store.") Really - what is this man thinking? What is he trying to do to my kid? If the court takes my kids away from me to give them to this boundary-less dipweed full time because he is "conventional" and I am not - I will lose what little faith I have left in the system.
Phew - ok - I'm done ranting (for now). I have another post for today and it's more in the vein of pondering than bitching - but I have to go get some other writing and housework done. If I forget, remind me tomorrow to tell you how I discovered what a n00b I am.