Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Tummy Report: Writhing

Note to self: NEVER, EVER, (for any reason under the sun) agree to be on television again. I haven't even seen the interview but reading the transcript and the online description of the interview? AGONY. I'd love to think they misquoted me (grammar mistakes, leaving key words out, etc) but chances are it's even worse in the live action version. The script says that what has haunted me the most (since I was supposed to be with her the day she was kidnapped) is that if I had been with her that day maybe something awful would have happened to me too - but that's not the part that haunts me!! Well it's a part of it - but the bigger part is if I hadn't been sick - if I had been able to be with her - would we have been too big of a target - would she be alive today - would my presence mean that she would have been safe? THAT'S the part that is haunting. And when the interviewer said the "stories" would be on two nights in a row - I thought that she meant my part was one of a couple of bits they were doing and I'd have to watch both nights to catch it. Turns out my part stretches over two nights. I'm on twice. Egad. I don't regret my impulse to tell the side of the story where the "victim" is still a little girl who never set out to be an icon or milestone. I just wish I'd been more articulate. Bleck. ANYWAY.
**Edited to add: ok, having now seen the the video, the subject/verb agreement (or lack thereof) was all mine (but I think I switched ideas mid sentence) and thankfully, the other two sentences which sounded so moronic in transcript actually make more sense with my pauses, facial expressions, and hand motions. Still. Never again.

On the B List of nauseating factors: I realize I am paying my attorney to play lawyer games. I just don't want her playing them with me. Today I have to finish up my portion of the "discovery" process. You know what I've discovered? I hate this.

On the brighter side of things (aka things that don't make my stomach hurt): Chaos gave me a big hug this morning and told me he loved me. Often I get that response when I buy Totino' pizza rolls or agree to let them do something silly (like have a special supper where we watch "Men In Tights" ) but this time there was no prompt. I gave him a big squeeze back and said, "Wow. I needed that." He said, "Yeah, I know." And we listened to Rob Zombie at max volume all the way to school.

Brighter thing 2: I was telling Chaos something about the weather forecast today and he asked, "What did you just say about devil monkeys?" Uh, nothing. I would have laughed it off except twice this weekend Bet misheard me say something about monkeys. Once she thought I said something about "adventure monkey" and then "monkey time" - which makes me wonder what on earth I'm saying that sounds like I am monkey obsessed! (I promise you I do not often willingly talk about monkeys. They gross me out - poo flinging, screechy, little beasts that they are.)

As much as I would like to blog more - I have to go gather, copy, and mail documents and then I have to wade through emails with attached Tapioca sludge (<--emails that made me ill the FIRST time I had to read them so I can't imagine today will be any better.) You know I'm dreading my day when the idea of doing laundry instead sounds like heaven! Peace to the people.


St. Ann said...

You know what the world needs now?

Monkey clowns.

Preferably ones carrying bouquets of balloons. To the fireworks.

Lilymane said...

HOW could I have forgotten?!! What the world...needs now...are mon-key clowns! Thank you for reminding me. You know - it's been too long since that crazy night we laughed so hard all the neighboring tables moved away from us. Must laugh that hard again soon!

Steve said...

Girl, I've been on TV nearly 50 times since 2005 at this point, including a half-hour special, and if I was that effin' hard on myself I'd be permanently ensconced in bed in a dingy robe, sucking my thumb and whimpering, "the horror, the horror."

YOU DID PRECISELY WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO, in my rarely humble and slightly-informed opinion. I don't think you have any idea how moving it was, in fact. And you looked beautiful, mature, sincere, and intelligent.

I you won't believe me, but aside from the inevitable chopping of moments that must be done in the editing of such a thing, there was a good reason you were central to the narrative -- somehow, with words and expressions, you made it deeply, intensely personal.

And like my buddy said, it damn sure caused a lump in the throat.

I'm glad you did it, old friend (emphasis on friend -- and I'm older, anyway).