Sunday, November 25, 2007

If Angst And Ennui Had A Love Child

You know those days when you're hungry but don't want to or can't decide what to eat? I need a word for that feeling. Maybe not one that revolves around food though, but one that describes the urge or impulse to do something that is thwarted by the equally strong and opposite pull caused by unwillingness or inability to figure it out. Stymied is too strong, depression too permanent, blah too formless. Stress and lethargy are factors. Miasma, irritation, lassitude, dread, compression, implosion and funk are all part of it, but they're bit parts - not the starring role. I want a descriptor for a feeling that makes you want to pace but robs you of the energy to do more than mope. I need a concrete label for this vague sense of enervating dissatisfaction.

Today, I am full on wallowing in whatever this feeling is. I have it about eating and also about blogging. I keep standing in front of the open refrigerator without moving until my indecision makes the heat in the kitchen kick on. I want to blog. I "need" to blog. I don't see the value of anything I have to blog about. I have the feeling about running. I want to run, need to run, can't figure out how to tumble into my shoes and go. Too many variables about weather, route, and timing. I've been looking forward to football all week but at the moment could care less. At the exact same time that I have three different thoughts about what today's games mean and who's playing and what my fantasy team's stats are - I have this "why bother" attitude about even finding out where the remote is or what channel the games are on. My skin feels too tight like I might burst, but my brain feels soggy, my thoughts are drowned. I imagine this is what being on uppers and downers simultaneously feels like. (Thankfully I don't know, I can only surmise.)

The most oomph I can muster is to fret about what to call this crappy state of being. Is it even an actual emotion? I want to name it, pigeon-hole it, have power and dominion over it. If I had a name for it, I feel half-heartedly convinced I would be able to banish it. I wish there were a recipe process for building words. Some languages just let you keep adding on syllables and root words until it means what you want it to mean. I guess if AT&T can push cell phone service in Philawarepragacago, then I should be able to make up my own word for how I feel today. But laziness and uptight perfectionism are allied in preventing me from even the semblance of an attempt. Fuck it. <--That's eloquent, eh? I may not be able to come up with a name for this feeling, but I've got a two-word, easy to remember motto for it! My hope for you, dear web friends, is that you need neither name nor motto and can just enjoy your day. (Root for the Titans for me in case I can't my poop in a group to watch the game, ok?)


titan said...

i have your feeling about blogging right now too - its like i've run out of interesting things to say, and just listing the things i've done since yesterday seems really boring and stupid. actually, i do want to rant about what an ass my father is, but i feel weird doing it from his home computer.

i believe your best bet is to snuggle up with wasabi and tallulah, let them lick your face and bring you playthings to throw for them. a few tail wags and titled, floppy ears are great for mood lifters.

Jeff said...

Sometimes, it is best just to leave it alone. No one is interesting all the time. And what do you call it? I wish I had something witty and insightful. Fuck, now I am depressed. Thanks. :)

Shiloh said...

Hey Lily, I feel like that about blogging most days anymore, but writing is in my blood. I don't want to give it up, but when you're blogging for an audience you feel this weighty obligation to post something interesting. After all, isn't that an unspoken or unwritten rule of thumb for blogging?

In my other journal I had I started keeping tabs on the words I flummoxed. Like... breadain (braindead) and chuggle (a cross between chuckle and giggle). Oh and here's the latest from my mother--arocious (cross between atrocious and ferocious). Yes, yes, we're easily dyslexic and tongue-twisted.